Springbreakers: Movie Review with SPOILERS

I’d say Springbreakers was a hot mess from beginning to end but really it was just a mess. 13 people walked out of the advance screening I was at tonight in Toronto. And then others took some really long… bathroom breaks? The movie’s just one long music video for Skrillex. I do think it says something when this movie’s been promoted via film festivals since early 2012.

Let me start off by saying that Selena Gomez plays herself in this movie. Her character Faith, is a church girl who prays and is an overall goody two shoes. There is no nudity on her part and a small dosage of smoking, drinking and getting high. After getting arrested with her friends she simply cries and complains that this isn’t what their trip was supposed to be like and she wants to go home, so she does. End Selena Gomez’s part in the movie. Now, I’d like to mention that Faith does not partake in the crime committed in order to fund their spring break trip. While Candy, Brit and Cotty are robbing a restaurant with fake guns threatening to kill everyone inside Faith is nowhere to be found. Nor does she snort the cocaine they end up being arrested for. I’m actually so confused on why she was even a part of the film.

Rachel Korine plays Cotty who doesn’t have a backstory or character development like everyone else in the movie. Rachel just so happens to be married to Harmony Korine, the writer and director of Springbreakers. That has to be the only reason why she’s in this movie. That, and the fact that she was willing to show some skin. Like Selena Gomez’s character, Cotty doesn’t make it to the end of the film. After getting shot in the left arm she decides it’s time to go back to school and for some stupid reason the other two girls decide to remain.

Remember back when Vanessa Hudgens’ naked photos leaked online? Maybe they should’ve used those pictures to promote this movie. I mean, the entire world’s already seen her naked. I was kind of shocked that her boobs wasn’t one of the many pairs seen. This movie is definitely no highschool musical and Candy is not afraid to live her life. Snorting coke, drinking and threesomes Vanessa’s definitely taking a risk to no longer be known for her Disney Channel days. Except for her ugly brown roots I actually thought she did a really good job in this film. Although she hasn’t been in much else, I found that her acting felt real in this, believable.

Ashley Benson didn’t seem to talk much in the movie. Or I just can’t remember anymore. Like Candy, Brit made it to the end of the movie. Together they shot about 20 men without taking one bullet. I’m confused on how that would’ve been possible and why they wore neon yellow bathing suits to complete the task. Ashley’s character seemed to do everything that Vanessa’s did so I don’t feel the need to repeat myself.

James Franco. What is there to say about James Franco? He looks absolutely terrifying in this entire movie. His character Alien bails for the 4 girls out of jail when they’re arrested. And like Selena I would’ve fled the scene in a second because he is so goddamn creepy. At one point he starts singing Everytime by Britney Spears and it’s so awkward. When that happens, Faith is already gone but the three girls who remain have matching pink ski masks with a unicorn on the forehead, coloured bathing suits and DTF sweatpants. They show clips of them dancing, and resting their heads on one and another and it’s so unnecessary. There’s also a scene where Candy and Brit put their guns in Alien’s mouth and he starts sucking on them like dicks. He gets really into it. I just don’t even understand why that was in the film. It’s seriously so uncomfortable to watch as an audience member. On top of that, there’s some other scenes at the piano where Alien speaks lines of a poem about 4 chicks aka the 4 girls. Last but not least when he brings the girls to his home he just keeps saying “look at my shit” over and over. It’s almost as bad as hearing “spring break forever” a million times.

I’m actually curious on if the cast of Springbreakers is actually proud of this movie cause I thought the best part was when it ended. The entire time I felt secondhand embarrassment for the actors involved. Awkward situation after awkward situation can do that to a person. I understand this film is a satire but it’s just a piece of crap. I do not recommend this to anyone. Maybe someone I hate but not even then. No one should have to endure the pain caused by this movie.

If you don’t listen to my warning and go see it anyway, be prepared for a lot of boobs. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT.

To see pictures from when I attended the Springbreakers premiere at TIFF back in September 2012 you can here.

Springbreakers hits theatres this Friday, March 29th in Canada

Trailer:

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